


baby hotline (please hold me)

by spacebanes



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Adoption, Chatting & Messaging, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Good Jschlatt (Video Blogging RPF), Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Moobloom Hybrid Toby Smith | Tubbo, Niki | Nihachu and Ranboo are Siblings, Parent Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Protective Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Protective Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Ranboo Has Panic Attacks (Video Blogging RPF), Ranboo-centric (Video Blogging RPF), Self-Indulgent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-25 23:21:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30096711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacebanes/pseuds/spacebanes
Summary: ranbuwu: so can I ask why I'm here yet??biginnit: phil is adopting youtubee: he is?ranbuwu: he is???aka just a dream smp chat fic but I make them suffer because I can :)
Relationships: Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Niki | Nihachu & Ranboo, Niki | Nihachu & Wilbur Soot, Ranboo & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Ranboo & Sam | Awesamdude & Technoblade, Ranboo & Technoblade, Ranboo & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & Phil Watson, Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson
Comments: 62
Kudos: 626





	1. fishfucker: Tommy that's called kidnapping

**Author's Note:**

> TW: IMPLIED/REFERENCED CHILD ABUSE

**Sleepy Boys Inc (and tubbo :D!1)**

**biginnit:** phil I want a new brother 

**fishfucker:** Tommy that's not how child adoption works 

**dadza:** I actually have been considering getting back into fostering recently

**fishfucker:** what the fuck why

**dadza:** You’re all grown up now! I miss having kids around the house

**godbutevil:** Tommy is still a child Phil 

**dadza:** That is true

**biginnit:** fuck you technoblade I am a BIG MAN

**biginnit:** but phil

**biginnit:** no need I have already picked one 

**biginnit:** you just need to take him 

**fishfucker:** Tommy that's called kidnapping 

**biginnit:** shutup bitch boyy

**dadza:** Will's right Tommy, I can't just steal a kid 

**biginnit:** phil his parents are shit 

**dadza:** …..

**dadza:** Go on

**biginnit:** he's always covered in bruises and shit

**biginnit:** shit as in other things not actual shit

**biginnit:** that would be disgusting 

**biginnit:** way too skinny too

**biginnit:** he looks like a fuckin skeleton 

**dadza:** Is he a friend of yours? 

**biginnit:** NAH I fuckinf hate him

**biginnit:** but tubbo is in love with him or some shit so I gotta look out for him

**biginnit:** best friend job 

**tubee:** wuht

**tubee:** who am i in louve with

**biginnit:** TIT MAN

**biginnit:** RANBOOB 

**tubee:** :00 

**tubee:** your write i am in louve wiht him

**godbutevil:** *you're right 

**beeboy:** thak you tecnolbade

**biginnit:** LOL IT LOOKS LIKE YOU CALLED YIM TECHNOBALD

**godbutevil:** I will come to your classroom and hit you

**biginnit:** do it PUSSY

**fishfucker:** there he goes 

**biginnit:** WAIT NO

**dadza:** Tommy we're not going to gloss over the fact that it seems like your friend is being abused 

**dadza:** Have you tried speaking to a teacher? The principal maybe? 

**biginnit:** the staff here sucks dicks Phil

**biginnit:** I could die and they would throw a party

**godbutevil:** that's just because you're terrible to be around

**tubee:** true

**fishfucker:** upvote 

**biginnit:** FUCK YOU

**dadza:** Have you made any adults aware of the situation? 

**biginnit:** just told you didn't I 

**tubee:** treu you are an adult I thikn 

**dadza:** How about you add him to the other group chat so we can talk to him? 

**dadza:** I don't want to jump to any conclusions or do anything suddenly 

**biginnit:** on it big p

**dadza:** Please don't say that again

  
  
  


**Philza's Child Army**

**biginnit added ranbuwu to the chat**

**biginnit:** hello fucker

**ranbuwu:** hi…??

**biginnit:** this is ranboob everyone he is a bitch and you should all hate him

**ranbuwu:** please stop calling me that

**biginnit:** shut up

**tubee:** BOO 

**ranbuwu:** Bee!!!

**biginnit:** disgusting I hate both of yoy 

**godbutevil:** yoy

**fishfucker:** yoy

**tubee:** yoy

**furryrights:** yoy

**biginnit:** I hate all of you never speak to me again fuck you 

**ranbuwu:** does that mean I can leave?? 

**godbutevil:** no

**ranbuwu:** damn,,, guess if evil God said so I have to listen

**godbutevil:** smart decision 

**ranbuwu:** thank you evil God 

**dadza:** Hello Ranboo, welcome to the chat!

**dadza:** I'm Tommy and Wilbur's dad, Phil

**ranbuwu:** hello thank you Mr minecraft sir 

**furryrights:** can't believe Tommy has friends

**fishfucker:** he doesn't Ranboo is a hostage 

**furryrights:** so true 

**furryrights:** any truers in chat 

**ranbuwu:** true 

**fishfucker:** is that a cry for help 

**biginnit:** ranboob say no 

**ranbuwu:** no

**breadknife:** Hi Ranboo!!!!!

**ranbuwu:** Niki!!!

**tubee:** wiat you know niki ??

**ranbuwu:** I should be asking you guys that

**ranbuwu:** she's my sister

**biginnit:** YOU R WHUT

**fishfucker:** so THIS is the brother you were telling me about 

**godbutevil:** Niki I didn't know you had a brother 

**breadknife:** He's my half brother! 

**breadknife:** He lives with our dad and I hadn't seen him since I moved to Essempi when I was a kid

**ranbuwu:** yeah I just moved here like a week ago,, didn't realize we had mutual friends 

**ranbuwu:** we haven't spoken in like years 

**breadknife:** I'm so glad you're here now Ranboo! You need to come by the bakery so we can catch up!

**ranbuwu:** of course!

**tubee:** thast so cool :0 !

**ranbuwu:** so can I ask why I'm here yet??

**biginnit:** phil is adopting you

**tubee:** he is?

**ranbuwu:** he is???

**dadza:** Ranboo, I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but Tommy has made me aware of your situation and I'd like to offer you help if you want and/or need it

**ranbuwu:** I don't know what Tommy told you but I'm fine 

**ranbuwu:** thank you for your concern Mr minecraft but it isn't needed 

**ranbuwu:** have a nice day 

**ranbuwu left the chat**

**furryrights:** well that was sus 


	2. ranbuwu: I just got adopted by some wlw

**breadknife and ranbuwu**

**breadknife:** Ran

**ranbuwu:** what's up Niki

**breadknife:** So I have a couple of friends who would like to meet you

**breadknife:** A couple of them go to our school as well and I thought it might be nice for you to have some friends to talk to

**breadknife:** Besides Tommy of course 

**ranbuwu:** of course! 

**ranbuwu:** I'd love to meet your friends

**breadknife:** Great! I'll add you to our group chat, one sec

**ranbuwu:** pog

  
  


**Mom Friend Council**

**breadknife added ranbuwu to the chat**

**breadknife:** Here he is! 

**hotgirlshit:** Ranboo! 

**hotgirlshit:** it's nice to meet you man!

**pussy:** hey kid :)

**roseycheeks:** Hi Ranboo!!

**ranbuwu:** hello I'm Niki's brother Ranboo 

**ranbuwu:** you all already knew that I didn't need to say it 

**ranbuwu:** I may be stupid 

**ranbuwu:** wow that's a lot of separate messages 

**ranbuwu:** my bad 

**hotgirlshit:** it's all good man!

**breadknife:** Do you guys wanna introduce yourselves? 

**breadknife:** I haven't really told Ranboo about you 

**pussy:** of course we do

**pussy:** names Puffy

**pussy:** in college, sheep hybrid, would kill a man

**breadknife:** That's hot

**roseycheeks:** I'm Hannah! I'm a senior at SMP

**hotgirlshit:** Eret :)

**hotgirlshit:** I'm also a senior so let me know if you need anyone beaten up

**hotgirlshit:** I use any pronouns btw

**pussy:** OH YEAH I use she/her 

**roseycheeks:** ^ Me too!!

**ranbuwu:** it's really nice to meet you guys!

**ranbuwu:** I'm Ranboo but you alresdy knew that 

**ranbuwu:** junior, he/they

**ranbuwu:** this isn't nearly as bad as the last group chat I was added to 

**hotgirlshit:** yeah Niki told us about that 

**pussy:** sorry you had to deal with Tommy just at all

**pussy:** he's a good kid I promise 

**ranbuwu:** it's okay! I actually really like Tommy

**ranbuwu:** he just gets a bit excited sometimes 

**hotgirlshit:** true 

**roseycheeks:** True 

**breadknife:** True

**pussy:** true

**ranbuwu:** now that I'm here does that mean I'm Also a mom friend 

**pussy:** I don't think so

**roseycheeks:** I think we're now your gay moms

**hotgirlshit:** I'm down for that

**hotgirlshit:** I've always wanted a son 

**pussy:** all in favour of adopting Ranboo say I? 

**breadknife:** I!

**hotgirlshit:** I

**roseycheeks:** I

**pussy:** it's settled then, we now have a son

**pussy renamed the chat Ranboo And His Moms**

**ranbuwu:** I'm really sorry you didn't have to go through all the trouble of changing the chat name for me 

**ranbuwu:** I don't want to impose 

**ranbuwu:** I'm so sorry for making you have to change it 

**ranbuwu:** I don't even have to stick around so you can change it back 

**hotgirlshit:** ranboo if you say sorry one more time I think I'll be legally required to come hug you

**roseycheeks:** Seconded

**ranbuwu:** sorry

**ranbuwu:** wait no I mean

**hotgirlshit:** too late I'm on my way

**hotgirlshit:** what class are you in 

**ranbuwu:** I really don't get a choice here do I 

**hotgirlshit:** nope :)

**ranbuwu:** sigh

**ranbuwu:** math 

**roseycheeks:** I'm on my way

**roseycheeks:** Eret meet me in the hall

**hotgirlshit:** already coming 

**breadknife:** Wait I'm coming too!

**ranbuwu:** oh geez

**pussy:** feeling real left out here guys

  
  
  


**GOGYS ONLYFANS (NOT CLICKBAIT)**

**simp:** just saw eret and niki walking very fast down the hall

**simp:** i think someone is gonna be killed

**biginnit:** shes just to short to keep up

**breadknife:** Pit stop I need to hit Tommy 

**fishfucker:** can I come watch that will be funny 

**breadknife:** Of course Will :)

**biginnit:** why do you all hate me

**biginnit:** what the fuck

**tubee:** niki were are you goign 

**hotgirlshit:** we're going to hug a sad child

**godbutevil:** gross, imagine caring 

**schlag:** is it my son?

**tubee:** no i am not sas 

**tubee:** i dotn thik so

**schlag:** then I don't care

**schlag:** shut up

**hotgirlshit:** child spotted 

**breadknife:** I'm going in

**simp:** they scare me 

**furryrights:** agreed

**kurlos:** SAPNAP

**simp:** KARL

**lasdrogas:** KARL

**kurlos:** ALEX 

**simp:** ALEX 

**lasdrogas:** SAPNAP

**kurlos:** please come make out with me 

**simp:** omw baby dont worry 

**lasdrogas:** HOHO IM COMING KARLOS

**biginnit:** I wish I was blind 

**biginnit:** you 3 upset me so mucg 

**biginnit:** what the fuck

**tubee:** this is deffo flerting 

**tubee:** hold on taht remindes me

**tubee:** i need to go flert witf ranboo

**schlag:** you what with who

**tubee:** dont midn me dad

**hotgirlshit:** sorry Tubbo Ranboo is occupied 

**biginnit:** are you beating h im up

**breadknife:** Of course not!

**biginnit:** thats fuckin lame innit 

**tubee:** why is he ocupied 

**hotgirlshit:** you don't need to worry about it Tubbo

**tubee:** fair enuf 

  
  
  


**ranbuwu and tubee**

**ranbuwu:** I just got adopted by some wlw

**tubee:** some wot

**ranbuwu:** women who like women 

**ranbuwu:** and also Eret 

**tubee:** oh pog

**tubee:** congrast big man

**ranbuwu:** thank you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ranboo strikes me as the guy who'd get adopted by the local lesbians. Also legally I was required to add Hannah because I'm very in love with her and she is criminally underrated


	3. tubee: ranboo tel them about tteh prefissor

**GOGYS ONLYFANS (NOT CLICKBAIT)**

**tubee:** the profesro did nkthinf wrong

**simp:** there was at least 1 word in there

**schlag:** are you talking shit about my fucking son

**simp:** never 

**schlag:** I'll beat you up

**fishfucker:** Tubbo can we know what that meant 

**tubee:** hedge

**tubee:** huedgend

**tubee:** waht is his name holf on

**tubee added ranbuwu to the chat**

**tubee:** BOOOOOO

**ranbuwu:** hi bee :)

**biginnit:** BOOB M AN

**ranbuwu:** Tommy

**godbutevil:** that sounded so cold even over text

**godbutevil:** I'm impressed 

**ranbuwu:** thank you evil God

**biginnit:** whatt he fuck

**tubee:** ranboo tel them about tteh prefissor

**simp:** i still dont know what hes tryna say

**biginnit:** none of us ever do

**schlag:** don't make fun of my kid Tommy I know where you fucking live

**ranbuwu:** tubbo is talking about professor hidgens, who has done nothing wrong ever

**tubee:** YES HIM

**tubee:** thak you sexy

**tubee:** i wil kiss yoy in thaks

**schlag:** I'm sorry you'll what

**fishfucker:** PROFESSOR HIDGENS

**fishfucker:** I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET HIM TO WATCH THAT FOREVER RANBOO HOW DID YOU DO IT

**ranbuwu:** I asked nicely?? 

**biginnit:** its cause tubbos in love with yoy innit

**tubee:** yes

**simp:** the explanation doesnt mean i understsnd those words

**fishfucker:** you don't need to sapnap 

**ranbuwu:** he's a character from a musical called the guy who didn't like musicals 

**simp:** thank you random kid youre better than wilbur

**fishfucker:** you could just say you wanna fuck me sapnap

**fishfucker:** but anyway

**fishfucker:** thank you for the help ranboo he's finally cultured 

**ranbuwu:** yeah np

**tubee:** wilbur hidgens remindes me of uou

**furryrights:** TRUE 

**furryrights:** YOURE BITH INSANE THEATER KIDS

**fishfucker:** I can't believe my own son would say that

**ranbuwu:** you have a son?? 

**ranbuwu:** aren't you like twenty five?? 

**fishfucker:** I'm only twenty four >:(

**biginnit:** HAHA OLD FUCKING BITCH

**ranbuwu:** he only seems old cause you're like twelve 

**biginnit:** FUCKYOU BITCH I AM A BIG MAN I AM NOT 12

**fishfucker:** SHWOSJ 

**schlag:** wow I can't believe someone finally killed tommyinnit

**godbutevil:** he did us a favour

**godbutevil:** it was long overdue 

**ranbuwu:** true 

**dadza:** Ranboo! How are you?!

**ranbuwu:** hi Mr minecraft 

**ranbuwu:** I'm alright 

**ranbuwu:** bye

**ranbuwu left the chat**

**dadza:** I-

**biginnit:** phil you keep scarin him o ff

**googlechrome:** Who was that?

**tubee:** ranboo my belovd 

**godbutevil:** Ranboo, a friend of Tommy’s who Phil is currently trying to adopt for reasons I won't disclose 

**breadknife:** :( I missed Ranboo

**breadknife:** He's also my brother!!

**googlechrome:** Why is tubbo in love with him?

**schlag:** I'd like to know the same thing 

**dadza:** Tubbo how is he doing?

**tubee:** sad

**dilf:** I heard mention of a sad child and now I'm here what's wrong 

**worsegrinch:** oh? A child? 

**biginnit:** phil youve got all the afult s here

**godbutevil:** I'm surprised it took Dream this long to show up

**simp:** he was busy fucking george 

**worsegrinch:** true

**googlechrome:** Why would you say that

**fishfucker:** AKSJS WHAT

**biginnit:** dream I'm a minor you can't say that 

**tubee:** yea dream

**dilf:** None of you answered my question 

**dadza:** Don't worry about it Sam, we have it under control 

  
  


**breadknife and dadza**

**breadknife:** Phil

**dadza:** Hi Niki!

**breadknife:** Why are you trying to adopt my brother? 

**dadza:** You don't need to worry about it either 

**breadknife:** Phil

**breadknife:** He is my brother

**breadknife:** If something is wrong I deserve to know about it, and you're not going to keep it from me 

**dadza:** Niki it's not your problem to deal with

**breadknife:** Make it my problem 

**breadknife:** What is wrong with Ranboo

**dadza:** Fine, you're right, I'll tell you

**dadza:** How much do you know about his home life? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was going to be an entirely different chapter but ranboo and tubbos tgwdlm stream made me super happy so I needed to include that in some way (also a bit of plot,,, to feed you). Starkid is canon in this universe because I make the rules.


	4. breadknife: I need you to help me hide a body

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: implied/referenced child abuse, implied/referenced character death (not an actual character though)

**GOGYS ONLYFANS (NOT CLICKBAIT)**

**breadknife:** Technoblade 

**godbutevil:** Niki 

**breadknife:** Call me right now 

**breadknife:** I need your help with something 

**karlos:** this is THE MOST terrifying team up

**lasdrogas:** AGREED

**godbutevil:** sorry I'm busy at work 

**breadknife:** Fine then 

**breadknife:** Schlatt

**karlos:** I TAKE IT BACK THIS IS THE MOST TERRIFYING TEAM UP

**schlag:** wussup

**breadknife:** I need you to help me hide a body

**schlag:** FUCK YEAH CRIME 

**schlag:** ringing you right now baby let's go

**themuffinman:** Language!!!

**themuffinman:** Niki please do not get arrested for murder that would really put a damper on our baking nights 

**hotgirlshit:** I'm offended you didn't ask me to help you

**biginnit:** WHAT THE FUCJ 

**biginnit:** NIKI??!?!?!1?!

**biginnit:** woman who did you kill

**biginnit:** WOMA N

**biginnit:** ANSWET ME WOMAN

**fishfucker:** she has a name Tommy 

**biginnit:** and I didn't fuckin ask for it

**lasdrogas:** wow csnt believe tommy hates women 

**biginnit:** FUCK YOU QUACKITY I LOVE WOMEN SO MUCH

**biginnit:** I KNOW SO MANY WOMEN AND THEY ARE ALK IN LOVR WITH ME

**lasdrogas:** the only woman who talks to you is your mom

**lasdrogas:** wait never mind she's TOO BUSY HAVINT SEX SITH ME 

**biginnit:** quackity my mother is dead

**simp:** OH MY GOD

**lasdrogas:** WAIT WHAY

**lasdrogas:** OHMY GOD TOMMY IM SO SORTY

**themuffinman:** QUACKITY YOU MUFFINHEAD 

**lasdrogas:** IM SORRYYYYY

**fishfucker:** wow quackity didn't realize you were into necrophilia 

**dadza:** HAHA

**lasdrogas:** WILBUR WHAY THE FUCJ

**biginnit:** what does necophilua mean

**lasdrogas:** well you see tommy

**dadza:** NO

**fishfucker:** NO

**themuffinman:** NO

**dilf:** NO

**tubee:** wiat i dont know eithre 

**tubee:** waht does it men

**godbutevil:** this isn't information you need to have Tubbo

**tubee:** i feel letf out :(

**biginnit:** me too big man

  
  


**godbutevil and breadknife**

**godbutevil:** this is about the Ranboo thing isn't it

**breadknife:** I thought you were busy

**godbutevil:** I am

**godbutevil:** but this seems to be really upsetting you

**breadknife:** Of course it is!

**breadknife:** He's my brother! 

**godbutevil:** and you really want to tell Schlatt about it?

**breadknife:** I didn't tell Schlatt what was really going on, just asked if he'd be willing to kill a man

**godbutevil:** he's always willing to kill a man

**godbutevil:** but Niki

**godbutevil:** you don't need to worry about it too much, alright? 

**godbutevil:** we have no solid proof that anything is even happening 

**godbutevil:** for all we know he could just be super clumsy 

**godbutevil:** we'll all keep an eye on him, and if anything happens you'll be the first to know, I promise 

**breadknife:** Yeah

**breadknife:** Yeah okay

**breadknife:** Thank you Techno I really needed that

**godbutevil:** don't get used to it

**godbutevil:** this isn't gonna become a habit 

**breadknife:** Of course of course 

**breadknife:** But still, thank you :)

**godbutevil:** yeah whatever 

**godbutevil:** I'm sure everything is fine 

**ranbuwu and dadza**

**ranbuwu:** hello Mr minecraft sir I know this is out of the blue but you said you were willing to help and I really really need help if it's still available because I am currently bleeding out

**dadza:** WHAT THE FUCK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of my favourite dynamics will be introduced soon,,, wonder if you can guess who it is 👀


	5. pussy named the chat Ranboo Defense Squad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: MENTIONED CHILD ABUSE

**godbutevil added hotgirlshit, dilf, breadknife, and pussy to a chat**

**pussy:** OH shit what's up techno

**hotgirlshit:** oh?? 

**godbutevil:** I'm about to take a page out of Phil's book and adopt a child 

**hotgirlshit:** dear god he's gone soft 

**breadknife:** Aw what child

**godbutevil:** your brother 

**pussy:** oop

**dilf:** I thought Phil was doing that?

**godbutevil:** not if I adopt him first 

**breadknife:** What happened? 

**godbutevil:** see that's why I've added you all here

**godbutevil:** long story short he messaged Phil last night asking for help because he was bleeding out on the street

**pussy:** HE FUCKING WHAT

**breadknife:** Oh my god no

**godbutevil:** don't worry he's okay

**godbutevil:** we drove around for an hour trying to find him before we eventually did

**godbutevil:** he was beaten up pretty badly but it wasn't anything too bad

**godbutevil:** he told us it was his dad

**hotgirlshit:** so what I'm hearing is we're committing a murder 

**godbutevil:** of course

**godbutevil:** but I also need help looking out for the kid

**godbutevil:** I don't know how to do this but he's terrified to talk to Phil

**breadknife:** He's never really trusted adults 

**pussy:** techno is an afult though??

**hotgirlshit:** afult

**dilf:** shut up Eret

**godbutevil:** he won't talk to me either but at least he'll let me in the room

**godbutevil:** Tubbo was with him for a bit but they didn't do much more than hug

**godbutevil:** Tommy is too loud and it's freaking him out 

**godbutevil:** I don't know what to do

**hotgirlshit:** it's okay tech we've got you

**breadknife:** I'm already on my way over 

**breadknife:** I want to see him 

**godbutevil:** he'll probably like that

**dilf:** I'll keep Tommy occupied so he isn't freaking him out too much

**pussy:** me too 

**godbutevil:** thank you

**hotgirlshit:** I can't believe you've gone soft technoblade

**godbutevil:** if any of this leaves this chat I'll take the rest of your lives myself 

**hotgirlshit:** of course 

**hotgirlshit:** I wouldn't dream of exposing your weaknesses 

**pussy named the chat Ranboo Defense Squad**

**pussy:** unnamed group chats bother me

**dilf:** thats fair 

  
  


**GOGYS ONLYFANS (NOT CLICKBAIT)**

**dilf:** Tommy

**biginnit:** SAM MY FRIEND

**biginnit:** WHATS UP BIG MAN

**dilf:** Puffy and I need some help

**dilf:** can you swing by her place?

**biginnit:** can I bring tubbo

**tubee:** :0

**dilf:** yeah sure 

**tubee:** :D

**lasdrogas:** SAMY

**dilf:** hi big q

**lasdrogas:** SAM CAN I COME

**dilf:** if you really want to

**lasdrogas:** HOHO FUCK YWAH

**themuffinman:** Language!

**schlag:** yeah quackity watch your fucking language 

**themuffinman:** I hate you 

**furryrights:** wilbur has abandoned me in the park

**biginnit:** deserved 

**lasdrogas:** TRUE 

**schlag:** true 

**fishfucker:** true 

**furryrights:** I feel so unappreciated here 

**biginnit:** you are

**furryrights:** WHAT FHE FUCK TOMMY

**biginnit:** big q csn you drive us

**dadza:** You are not getting in a car with Quackity

**lasdrogas:** WHAT THE FUCK

**lasdrogas:** FUCK YOU OLD MAN

**dadza:** Not happening 

**dadza:** You can't drive 

**lasdrogas:** IM A GREAT DTIVWR PHILZA

**schlag:** you drive worse than you spell

**fishfucker:** HA

**biginnit:** fuckin fine then

**biginnit:** technoblade my friend 

**biginnit:** big t

**biginnit:** the blade

**biginnit:** csn you drive us

**godbutevil:** busy

**biginnit:** FUCK YOU

**tubee:** i can ask ranboo to driev us

**biginnit:** ranboob can drive?? ?

**tubee:** i thikn so

**tubee:** hes drievn me befor 

**schlag:** I still want you to tell me who this fucking kid is

**tubee:** hes not answrinf :(

**fishfucker:** tubbo I'll come drive you

**biginnit:** THANK YOU BIG MAN

**fishfucker:** just tubbo not you

**biginnit:** WHAT THE FUCK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Technodad superiority I said what I said


	6. biginnit: Philza Minecraft Dies of Old Age (EMOTIONAL!!!)

**GOGYS ONLYFANS (NOT CLICKBAIT)**

**biginnit:** IMNAN UNCULE 

**worsegrinch:** Tommy you've been an uncle for several years now 

**worsegrinch:** did you just realize fundy was horn now?? 

**simp:** horn

**tubee:** horn

**schlag:** horn 

**lasdrogas:** HORN

**karlos:** horn

**worsegrinch:** I'll kill all of you

**biginnit:** IM AN UNCLE AGAIN DREAM FUCK YOU

**themuffinman:** :0 Congratulations!

**themuffinman:** Which of your brothers is the new dad?

**furryrights:** I don't think it's Will

**furryrights:** I think I'm still an only child

**fishfucker:** you're right it isn't me

**simp:** TECHNO HAS A CHILD?????

**karlos:** it could be tubbo

**schlag:** insinuate that I'm old enough to be a grandfather again and I'll shoot you

**tubee:** i am not pregnantcy 

**tubee:** wiat am i??

**biginnit:** you aren't big man

**biginnit:** techniblade has a SON

**worsegrinch:** that poor kid

**godbutevil:** you're not an uncle Tommy he's not my son

**dilf:** you told us you were gonna adopt him yesterday 

**godbutevil:** I remember no such thing

**breadknife:** How's he doing?

**godbutevil:** he's getting less skittish which is good 

**fishfucker:** he's bonded with Steve 

**godbutevil:** I leave you alone with him for fifteen minutes and you introduce him to the polar bear 

**fishfucker:** he wanted to meet him!

**dadza:** I can't believe I'm a grandfather 

**breadknife:** Are you forgetting about Fundy on purpose? 

**dadza:** Who

**furryrights:** WHAT THE FUCK GRANDPA

**dadza:** You know I'm just joking Fundy 

**dadza:** Both of my grandsons are teenagers wow what the fuck

**simp:** haha old man

**dadza:** I'm thirty three you fucker

**tubee:** your so old

**biginnit:** Philza Minecraft Dies of Old Age (EMOTIONAL!!!)

**dadza:** I'm cutting your allowance 

**biginnit:** HEY WAIT A MINUET BIG MAN NO NEED TO DO THAT

**worsegrinch:** haha lower gets an allowance 

**worsegrinch:** how does it feel to be poor

**godbutevil:** you're literally homeless

**worsegrinch:** IM NOT HOMELESS

**karlos:** sounds like something a homeless man would say

**worsegrinch:** I HAVE A HOUSE 

**worsegrinch:** it's massive and great and none of you are ever invited except George 

**lasdrogas:** any askers?

**themuffinman:** Wait who did you adopt Techno?

**godbutevil:** I didn't adopt anyone he's not my son

**godbutevil:** I don't get emotionally attached to children 

**fishfucker:** sounds fake but okay

**tubee:** ITS RANBOO :D

**breadknife:** Is Techno my dad now too? 

**breadknife:** Is that how it works?

**hotgirlshit:** absolutely not what the fuck

**godbutevil:** Niki I am definitely not your father 

**biginnit:** hes literally a fuckin pig

**fishfucker:** she didn't mean biologically you dumbass 

**biginnit:** PHIL WILBUR IS CALLIJG ME NAMES 

**dadza:** Take it outside boys 

**fishfucker:** guys I have bad news 

**themuffinman:** Oh no D:

**godbutevil:** what did you do

**fishfucker:** I have lost your son

**dilf:** he is a 6'6 half enderman teenager how do you lose him 

**fishfucker:** I DONT KNOW 

**fishfucker:** he just??? Left??? 

**godbutevil:** Wilbur I will kill you

**fishfucker:** WHY

**godbutevil:** you somehow managed to lose a traumatized kid who we quite literally found bleeding out on the side of the road last night and definitely doesn't know how to get back to my house and can also teleport 

**godbutevil:** he could be anywhere

**fishfucker:** you know what understandable have a nice day

**hotgirlshit:** should we look for him?

**breadknife:** I'll check the bakery! He goes there sometimes! 

**hotgirlshit:** I'll see if he got lost in the castle 

**worsegrinch:** idk where I'll look but I'll look

**biginnit:** tubbo and I will look around 

**tubee:** yeS

**furryrights:** guess I'll look out for him too

**schlag:** I'm at work but I'll let you know if he shows up to buy a house 

**godbutevil:** if something happens to him Wilbur is a dead man 

**dadza:** I'm sure he's fine tech 

**dadza:** We'll find him

**dadza:** Don't worry

**godbutevil:** I'm not worried 

**dadza:** Of course you aren't mate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon that the sleepy boys are always pretending Fundy isn't actually related to them cause he's a furry (unless it makes him sad then they stop)

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant to be a shit post but then I gave it angst


End file.
